(Warning. This is a very stress-relieving, long and personal post.)
Imagine that I’m in a car.
(I know that I’m not quite the age to be driving yet, but just bear with me.)
I am in a car, during rush hour. The road is busy, and I’m stuck in traffic, and people keep pushing in through the side roads. I’m honking my horn at them in frustration. All I want to do is just push the correct pedal and run them all over so that I can be on my way. Just skip the waiting and get to the end of the road.
Recall that I hoped, yesterday, that School reports weren’t coming soon. Obviously, that was a futile wish, because Parents’ Evening is also approaching, which is always accompanied by a report given out earlier.
I do not want this to happen. My grades are crap.
I wish that I could say that something got in the way which lead to this happening, but there isn’t. There never is. My teachers never, ever mark my papers wrong – in fact they might actually be triple-checking my papers to see if I can get more marks and scrape a D – and there is absolutely no external source of trouble that could lead to me getting really crappy grades.
Nothing, that is, but myself.
This is where I want to hit my head on a wall, multiple times and very very hard, and break something. I can’t do that, though; it feels wrong. I want to, but I can’t.
Instead, I’ll just lie in bed and cry myself to sleep, like I seem to be doing more often these days.
I am unsure of whether these large slumps are just because of my unsuccessful studies, or because of something else.
After getting most of my exams back, I do feel like I can move forward now and make more/better progress, but… my parents. No excuse works in front of them – what excuses? I don’t even have any – so I can’t even imagine their horrified reactions.
I take that back.
I can, and it involves a stripped branch from the apple tree and a deeper slump.
TL;DR? My grades are crap and I am as good as dead. I wish I was joking.