[Makeup and Chatter] Back at University

Hi everyone!

Just like that, the summer is gone.

My new timetable is here, the new academic year is well on its way and for the third year in a row, I have not blogged almost all summer. I spent most of it at work and playing games… I didn’t actually wear that much makeup this summer, especially during the heatwave in July. Now that it is much cooler, I can wear foundation again without it melting off my face, but the long days at work or uni really put me off wearing makeup in case it looks horrid by the evening.

So I took these pictures ages ago but had to share. My boyfriend and I treated ourselves in September to some fancy food at Jailbird Birmingham, which replaces Nosh and Quaff where I went to a few times for their lobster. It was a nice treat after two or three weeks straight serving the back-to-school rush. We ordered the lobster at Jailbird, and we loved it. It was actually his first time eating lobster so I’m really glad he liked it. We’re slowly making our way around all the must-eat food places in the Birmingham city centre area, so if you need recommendations you can hit us up!

My new year at university started about a month ago and honestly, it’s been a little shock to the system. I took my camera with me on one Monday to share what food I ate!

I’d like to write a post about hair products at one point. I’ve recently dyed my ends a deep indigo blue. I was originally going to go green but with dubious looks from my mom when I suggested it, I thought I should go blue first to ease into it. I felt like clipping up my full fringe and showing a bit of forehead. That feeling was nice while it lasted. It’s faded a lot now as it’s only semi-permanent but the colour was so nice and I’d do it again.

I went for a more fresh faced look. No foundation or any kind of base. I was out for a good 8-9 hours, and there was no guarantee a base would have lasted on my face that long, so I didn’t bother. I had a few spots but overall this was a good skin day and nothing to worry about. It was also a good excuse to do my eyebrows which are usually hidden under my fringe. I know it looks like I’m not wearing any makeup, but that’s the point.

Products used:

  • Etude House Drawing Eye Brow in Dark Brown
  • Etude House Dr Mascara Lash Fixer
  • Maybelline Lash Sensational Mascara
  • Maybelline Fit Me Powder in Soft Beige
  • Revolution Sugar and Spice Blush Palette
  • Etude Proof 10 Eye Primer
  • Kat Von D Shade and Light Contour Palette (on my eyes mostly)
  • NARS Velvet Matte Pencil in Walkyrie

That morning, I went to meet my friend AT at Damascena Coffee House. It’s my favourite of all the local cafés although as you all know I also frequent the one at Waterstones. Damascena is wonderful and often quite busy. I ordered the grilled halloumi.

I had two lectures that day with breaks in between. The workload hadn’t hit me then so I didn’t have much to do in between. I could have gone to the gym but I didn’t want to carry all that stuff around with me on such a long day, too. It’s the biggest pain when you commute, even if it’s just a twenty-minute bus rise. I’d love some sort of locker system for commuting students.

I spent that evening with one of my societies. We visited a Korean restaurant in the Chinatown area. I’ve been to Topokki a number of times already and I absolutely love it there. I ordered the Pumpkin Croquette Dupbap (i.e. with rice). I’d also recommend their kimchi jeon!

I spent the evening in bed winding down. I took some pictures on the way home to practice editing. I really love night photography and recently I’ve been totally inspired by @noealzii to try some edits on my own shots. Birmingham isn’t exactly like Seoul or Tokyo in terms of having an abundance of pretty lighting but I tried.

The first photo is the original shot, with some edits underneath.

After I did these edits, I found a way to keep the redness of the lamps whilst still having all the other edits apply. I was pretty chuffed, since it was all on Snapseed – my phone handles photo edits much better than my laptop ever will at the moment, although a new one is on the cards for much later on.

Anyway, as you might have been able to tell this post has been a long time in writing. I’m hoping that finally releasing it kicks off some sort of blogging mojo in my head. I often used this blog as an outlet for my thoughts but recently my boyfriend has, in the words of my brother, been taking one for the team!

Until next time,

X

Snap Reviews: Lip Creams from NYX and Collection

Hi everyone!

It’s taken me this long to finally try out the NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream. Not surprising, to be honest! It was one of those things I meant to buy and try as soon as NYX landed in the UK a while back but for some reason, I never got around to it. But here we are now… I also picked up the Collection Velvet Kiss and after seeing how similar the two products are, I thought I would feature them in the same post.


NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream

£6.00 – Available from Boots, Debenhams and many online stores like FeelUnique, Cult Beauty and LookFantastic.

I really liked this at first – it goes on the lips quite pigmented but might need more than one dip in the tube if you’ve got bigger lips. It even goes on with a bit of a sheen before it sets compared to the Collection Lip Cream which already applies quite dry.

It appeared smooth at first but cracks showed up in my bottom lip later when I smiled. However, it was a lot less drying compared to the Collection Lip Cream.

Cannes is a cute pink shade that is like Bourjois’ Nude-ist to me, but a little deeper and warmer, perhaps. It just seems way more flattering on me than Nude-ist, and I can actually imagine myself wearing this shade a lot, so I’m going to try and find a very similar one in a formula I like.

Zurich is a lighter, coral ish shade. The coral tones prevent this colour from being too light and bland on me. This particular shade was a gift from TrayTray and I don’t think I would have bought this colour to try myself otherwise, so I was surprised to find this to be a cute colour for the spring and summer seasons.

 

Okay, this picture doesn’t seem strange at all on my phone but my laptop shows it as super dim and cool-toned. Anyone else?

 


Collection Velvet Kiss Moisturising Lip Cream

£2.99 – Available from Superdrug

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This product was very obviously made to be a dupe of the Soft Matte Lip Cream – the tubes are almost identical apart from the slightly different finish on the lids.

Caramel is a very pretty nude brown shade I often struggle to find in stores because it’s all sold out. The price makes it a pretty irresistible pick-up if you like any of the small range of shades. This is the only nude brown shade. It has a very strong sweet smell that smells both delicious and slightly off-putting… sickly, maybe.

I’ve previously compared this to Velvet teddy in this post, so I’ll share the same photo below. It wears decently but I feel as if it is quite drying. On top of that, the tube feels quite empty and the applicator doesn’t pick up much product even when it’s new. Collection’s Lip cream only holds 5ml whilst NYX’s Lip Cream holds 8ml, so that might explain that.

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Overall, I think I’m going to conclude that these lip creams aren’t for me – they didn’t really live up to the hype for me and whilst they’re not awful, they’re also not mind-blowing but I can see why the NYX ones are a favourite.

Until next time,

X

Books of 2018, #3: A Thousand Pieces of You by Claudia Gray

Hi everyone!

I am slightly behind on my reading schedule of a book per month. A lot of the books I have are actually quite bulky or read slowly and with university studies and work, and the hectic week before Easter, March was almost completely devoid of reading.

I’d been making my way through the books in this post – books that I’ve started but were on pause. All my books sat on the spare desk until Derp came home for the holidays and Twerp refused to give his room back again, so he’s living with me and needed the spare desk. I moved my entire TBR pile back to a corner of my desk where it’s three books away from reaching the G-Dragon poster on the wall… again.

In the re-shuffle, A Thousand Pieces of You ended up right at the bottom of a 17-book reading pile because I didn’t think I would get around to finishing it. So when I suddenly felt like finishing it last week, I almost didn’t bother trying to move it from under the pile. On the other hand, it’d been bothering me that I’d only read half, and I needed my March book…

As I am sure I have mentioned eons ago, this was a birthday gift from my friend Nicole, picked from my wishlist and mostly on the list because of its delectable, breathtaking cover. I thought I knew not to judge a book by its cover but I’ve noticed – in the years since not having my school library and buying my own books – that a great cover really makes me scream ‘take my money!’ But alas, the proverb had to ring true sooner or later, and it certainly did for this.

Or rather, my eyes must have skipped over the romance in the description of the book. That would have made me run in the opposite direction.

My main opinion is that this was utterly and totally ‘meh’. The idea of jumping into alternate universes is super promising and seeing as it’s a romantic sci-fi YA, the story… wasn’t that surprising, if that makes sense? It was quite predictable, and I felt there was so much left to explore that I was a little unsatisfied at the end. It’s full of tropes and stuff that made me go urgh (it’s been a while since I read about a love triangle!) but that my younger self might have absolutely loved. Then again, Twerp has also read the book – she’s the same age of the ‘younger self’ I’m referring to and she doesn’t like the book much either. Maybe it’s just us!

Anyway, once I set my mind to it, this was a speedy read, not too complex, and I finished it in two days. We shall see how long it survives on my bookshelf, too… I’ve already started my April book as well so hopefully, I’ll stay on track now.

Until next time,

X

Quarterly Media Editorial: Winter 2018

Hi everyone!
I hope you’ve all had a nice Easter. Spring has properly landed (or at least, this is as much as we are gonna get in the UK) and we are a quarter of the way into the year already, so it’s time for me to sum up my media consumption of the last few months in a handy blog post.
I thought that I should begin to include blogs and social media, perhaps. I have been wanting to do this for a while, but not sure where for now. I think it will be its own separate quarterly segment featuring small bloggers and influencers.
Here though, I’ll include my favourite ‘bigger’ YouTube channels, so to speak, because these days even channels with a moderate following can get buried so I hope that, as usual, reading this will help you discover something new.

Anime

Made in Abyss – A really cutely styled fantasy revolving around a seemingly bottomless pit called the Abyss. Well… it has surprisingly dark elements at times but that was kind of refreshing actually.
Spice and Wolf – with a medieval setting and an economically driven plot, Spice and Wolf was a surprising hit with me. The plot revolves around currency changes, of all things, which is not my strong point so I did have to get a friend to explain bits to me. Otherwise, there is a healthy splash of fantastical elements and overall, I really enjoyed this as something fresh and new.
Gurenn Lagann – We watched the movie at the anime society, which summed up the first half of the main televised series. I eventually got around to watching a bit of the anime myself as I really enjoyed the movie. It’s about humans fighting to live on Earth’s surface, using giant mechas, which didn’t sound like my kind of thing but was hugely enjoyable nevertheless. I actually enjoyed the movie more so far- whilst there were missing elements from the series skipped throughout, I much preferred the movie’s pace and I’m finding those parts of the series a little boring.

Films:

The only movie worth being in this section is Black Panther, to be honest. I’m not one to watch films in the cinema twice, usually, but to say this was fantastic would be a real understatement. I also watched The Greatest Showman and whilst I enjoyed it, it was missing that something to truly wow me.

Youtube:

I admit I don’t watch a lot of bloggertube, so to speak. I usually just stick to my favourite casual channels and watch whatever pops up on my recs, which often isn’t much.
Lisa Eldridge – With the rise of the ‘Insta glam’ makeup style I’ve really been craving more natural looks and overall simpler makeup. If you just want to learn the ins and outs of simple makeup, Lisa is the lady to go to. She has done magazine editorials, works for Lancome as Creative Director and also features other professional artists in the industry on her channel. Even from the most simple look, you can learn so much to apply to your own makeup.
Matilda – I am really enjoying Matilda’s video style which is completely her voice, over the products she mentions on a whiteboard – quite minimal! She does reviews of makeup and lip balms, and her videos are really short and sweet – a great appeal when I don’t want to sit through a twenty-minute video because I’d rather watch anime.

Music

As usual, here is a playlist containing all the songs in this Editorial! They’re all Korean. I did my best to sum up my favourite new listens of the last season although this doesn’t include the long phases of songs on repeat throughout.

I actually heard of Uhm Jung Hwa through her brother and niece being on Return of Superman. No way is she in her 50s. Excuse me while I google her skincare routine.
I’m still obsessed with LOONA, who have been so consistent in building up their Loonaverse with great music. I’m still left wondering – if all of this is only pre-debut stuff how blown away will I be by their official debut? My favourite member so far is Jinsoul with Chuu and Yves tied a close second and Kim Lip and ViVi tied for third!
These two songs have dominated the Korean charts over the last few months, so of course they’ve been played a lot! BOOM BOOM is fully elevated thanks to JooE in their live performances.
I admit I was quite skeptical of Ikon myself but this more chilled hip hop infused direction is probably their most popular style in Korea so it was a perfect choice to re-establish themselves after a long tour abroad.
Ko Ko Bop took more than half a year to properly grow on me and I completely slept on Rollin, but these two songs have had their moments on repeat whilst I did university assignments.

WJSN – Dreams Come True

This wouldn’t normally be my usual song style of choice (I tend to favour anything with a teen crush or not-cute concept) but I’ve slowly been getting into it. It was the performance of this song that truly got me, though. I love the point dances and how well dramatic the choreography is, especially Cheng Xiao’s chorus parts, the star point of Exy’s rap and the bridge/refrain. I know Secret is a popular favourite of their songs but I think I like this more.

Mamamoo – Starry Night
Got7 – Look
BoA – One Shot, Two Shot

Starry Night isn’t Mamamoo’s best, in my opinion, so I actually included it because the video is stunning and I love rewatching it. Got7’s Look, on the other hand, was okay at first but the dance really grew on me and the song soon after. One Shot, Two Shot is just plain catchy.

(Notable mentions are Havana, Cut to the Feeling, Like Paradise by Kriesha Chu, All Night by Long:D and Doyeon (of I.O.I and Weki Meki))

My music list changes so often throughout the months and even as I type, there are new releases from Olivia Hye of LOONA as well as WINNER (have you all SEEN Yoon’s hair, I died).

Check out some of my other music posts from the last few months:

Some Songs and an Attempt To Sum Up My Month

#Playlist: Ghosts

Until next time,

X

[Chatter] At Last, Let’s Talk About Depression.

I think over the last year or two I may have attempted to draft out this post four or five times. As I wrote this very first paragraph for this working draft, it was January of 2018. I knew I wanted to put this up eventually, and I felt like it was approaching the right time to do so. I also knew that I have always struggled to express the feelings (or lack of) in a proper way that feels like it’s doing my experience justice, so in order to get my words out on time, I started early.

Do feel free to grab some tea.

If you’re a friend I have directed to this post, it’s because I’m crap at explaining this in person or even over WhatsApp, especially when I’ve been caught off-guard on a Sunday evening. All this is just me talking about things I have always wanted to talk to you all about but never got the words right for. I hope none of you mind.

Here’s a Trigger Warning for Depression, Self-Harm and Suicide.

For a long time, I didn’t quite relate to the idea of needing a trigger warning (even if I understood the reason for it) but recently I have been feeling extra sensitive towards this topic myself. It’s not particularly graphic or anything, though. If you’re not sure whether to read on, I’d err on the side of caution and not continue.


Firstly, I may as well tell you what the symptoms of depression are. We can spot them together as I back-track through my life. Here it is, the DSM-5 criteria for a diagnosis of depression:

A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either

  1. depressed mood or
  2. loss of interest or pleasure.

Note: Do not include symptoms that are clearly attributable to another medical condition.

  • Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.
  • Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.
  • Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
  • Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day.
  • Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down).
  • Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.
  • Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick).
  • Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.
  • Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.

B. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
C. The episode is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance or to another medical condition.


The earliest recorded indication that I was depressed probably goes back to 2015 when I was still 17. In fact, it was on this blog because I had no other outlet. I’ve always written my honest thoughts on this blog, as bland as my life was, because it’s just not the same otherwise. To sort-of quote one of my old blog posts, pretending is draining. It’s the same reason that I love to share happy things with others and it’s for the same reason that I am a terrible liar.

So I was looking all the way to 2015, the first year of the blog and my first year of A-Levels (Y12), and life doesn’t seem bad. Mundane? Yes. Occasionally, I got angry, and I got stressed, but within what I thought were normal means for a student of Hell A-Levels. I went to work, I slept, I tried my best to manage everything and was failing. I was easily triggered, especially by my school reports, and I clung to my hobbies (and this blog) a lot as a means of coping.

My grades were suffering, and teachers were pulling me aside to ask me if anything was wrong. I said no because, at the time, I genuinely didn’t know. Some teachers thought I was just lazy and lacking effort (which I admit I agreed with). I mention Student Support briefly in this post from April 2015 from when I got sent there instead. They thought I was overworking myself and lacking in sleep (the latter being true). I didn’t feel this was the case as I simply was not getting anything done despite always being at my desk. I was stuck in this spiral of unproductivity, lack of sleep, and hating myself all in abundance. It was mostly hating myself, though.

For quite a while, I thought most of my issues were the fault of the school or the education system. Now, after lots of rational thinking, I don’t blame my school for my depression at all, because how could they have helped me out when I had no clue what was going on, mentally speaking, myself?

In October 2015 (the beginning of Y13 and my second year of A-Levels), I expressed a thought on this blog post about wanting to see the GP about my mental health. This means that I must have been thinking about it for quite a while, prior to that post going up. I had probably at least googled the symptoms and taken the quiz on the NHS site. Note the mental breakdowns (I think this means my negative emotions peaking and crying myself to sleep), and note the P.S. where I mention that I was finding it hard to concentrate. Yet at this point in time, I ended up not going to the GP about it.

I mentioned the breakdowns again in February 2016, talking about stupid school assessments, but this time more casually. I was getting the impression that this was a normal thing, that my feelings were not significant enough to seek help for and that this was part and parcel of being an A-Level student. My emotions were fluctuating, even then, but now it was so long ago I can’t really mention any specifics.

Later, I decided to include less of my feelings on the blog and more of what I was actually doing, so there’s not much there that shows what I was feeling until much later.

What I do remember, though, is that during that school year we studied depression as part of the abnormal psychology topic, and I distinctly remember the lesson on diagnostic criteria – looking at the list of symptoms on the board and thinking ‘all of that sounds like me.’

Anyway, I finished my last year of school, and my A-Levels went terribly (I say that, but I didn’t fail any) and I decided to take a gap year. Despite this, life was not particularly awful – in fact, it seemed like a lot of fun judging from past blog posts. Things seemed okay. I was beginning to branch out with what I was doing whilst making time for my hobbies and, well, widened my horizons a bit.


In the latter half of March 2017, I booked my first appointment with my GP for my mental health. I thought of having this post up on the 28th, a year since the date of my first appointment. It would be the first of quite a few that spring/summer. To this day I am still incredibly proud of myself for doing the adult thing and picking up the phone. I was so terrified.

At the appointment, I wanted to explain things logically to my GP, but I ended up breaking down crying, saying something like ‘I don’t know, I just… I just feel so sad all the time’. The truth was, that was the first major step I had taken to do something about my depression and I felt the impact of the moment – I didn’t know whether any of what I was doing would help, but I knew it was important that I did something.

My GP asked me why I was having the emotions that I had (as opposed to the what of early 2015) and I replied that I genuinely did not know. Where earlier I was comparing my experiences with others and not finding my situation comparable to them, this time I was on my gap year and life really did not seem bad at the time. My depression was, and still is, very irrational of me considering my circumstances.

I went to see a counsellor. It helped a little bit, but not that much. I think most of the change in mindset afterwards happened by itself.


A month and a bit later, I was a week after finishing my medication and my next GP appointment was not for another two days. On the 14th of May, I was not in a good mood, and neither was my mom. We got into a heated spat about something very minor. I broke down in the bathroom, and I saw the open cabinet door with the pair of scissors in it.

Scissors are relatively very blunt compared to other sharp objects, so all I ended up with were some very red, raised lines, and the tiniest beads of blood. It took a lot of pressure and self-hate to make those marks at all, let alone draw blood. Had that been a razor (we don’t use hand razors in this house) I might have ended up in hospital or worse. I spent a lot of time afterwards looking at the marks on my arm, ‘trying to figure out what they mean’, according to a diary entry. The lines are unnoticeable now but sometimes I wish I still had a scar to remind myself always that things were worse before and better now.

However, I wrote a private diary entry in an old notebook after my shower, and that’s enough. This is how I can write about it now because I knew it was a new low for me, and one that I needed reminding of. In hindsight, I wasn’t ready to be without the antidepressants yet, and I noticed multiple times later on that if I didn’t take my medication for a few days my mood would crash pretty badly without any other obvious cause. Needless to say, I tried not to go without them again and scheduled my appointments appropriately for the next few months.


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In September 2017, I started to evaluate my mood on a scale of +10 to -10. My average mood when I am depressed being around -3 or -4. In general, I was feeling much better. I actually hadn’t taken my medication for months at that point but I didn’t feel awful and I didn’t feel a crash as I stopped. I went out with some friends on the 9th September, and my mood was about a +7, according to my diary: “I felt so good. I can’t stress that enough, I’m so surprised by it.”

Then I managed to crash to a -7 which I now have pegged as ‘suicidal thoughts with minor urges to actually carry it out’. I genuinely wanted to jump out of a window, and I was petrified that I would. I couldn’t sleep and ended up writing in my diary at 2:20am, two hours after getting home, after breaking all sorts of rules. It took me weeks to climb back up from that -7. I thought it might have been the alcohol, at the time, but now I don’t think that was the case. It was at least the first time that I realised how sensitive my mood could be to change even if things were good.

Again, nothing was inherently wrong with my life besides my feelings. There was no ‘why’. I had exciting events planned and I was about to start at my university. There was a complete mismatch between my situation and my mood, objectively, and I think that lead to a dysphoria, a ‘state of unease or dissatisfaction with life’ that was really hard to shake off. When people ask me what’s wrong, there’s genuinely nothing wrong, and it’s hard to explain that I can’t control my mood fully even with all my best attempts to do so.

But I did write that night about how my parents can’t be blamed for things. That they worked their butts off and always did the best they could for their kids and that I felt bad they ended up with a crap daughter like myself. It’s strange, because I’ve never felt so comfortable with myself by my own standards but the moment that the other people I love are involved I’m not worth anything anymore. 

That feeling still persists from time to time. I’m working on it.


 

20180211125525_IMG_7703-02-01.jpegSince we are on a timeline, I want to also mention Jonghyun of SHINee as I’ve been meaning to say something about him, too. Never found the right words, though. He committed suicide on the 18th December, 2017 after a long battle with depression. He was a successful performer, y’know – world at his fingertips and all, and he still felt that way. He finished all the preparations for his new album, Poet/Artist, and he even filmed some variety shows. His album was released posthumously. It’s fantastic.

I can’t claim to know what he was thinking. From what I could tell, he had been planning it for a long time, all whilst thinking of who and what he loved and was leaving behind. As a member of SHINee and as a solo artist he knew he was very, very, very well loved, and still chose to make the decision to end his life. I think the album and what he left behind were all signs of that – that he cared so deeply for his family, his friends, and his fans. I think one of the few things that kept him wanting to be alive was just that.

That’s something I relate to. For me, I think my life is small and trivial, but my friends are my world. I would not want to wish the after-effects of my death on them, and if it means staying alive for them, then sure. I think suicide, in a sense, is selfish in that way (I’m not sure how better to word that). What I’m trying to say is, I think Jonghyun chose to end his life as a final act of self-care, and still he was thinking of those he loved by planning his album and his suicide. I am sure he has found his own happiness now.

Again, I cannot pretend I know him, and I just wanted to share some thoughts on my point of view, and finally get it off my chest. I didn’t realise it would shake me so badly. I cried reading the initial announcements on the news, and even weeks later I feel tremendously sad at anything involving him, like Lee Hi’s performance of a song he wrote. I haven’t been able to listen to the final track of his posthumous album yet. It’s a piano ballad. I heard the first few notes and noped completely out.


This brings us to roughly the present day. This section is actually the hardest to write, because I never feel like I have a proper grasp of my feelings until long after the time has passed.

However, I promise you that right now, as I finish up this post before it goes out tomorrow, I’m in a good place. Maybe a little muted, but good. Depression never feels like the kind of fight that is won. 

Most days I’m good. I have things I want to do, small aspirations, almost never a plan. My modal average day is no longer a -4, but more of a 0 or -1. In fact, the week of my birthday I was consistently at +4/5. That was great, and I long for more weeks like that.

Other days, I don’t feel good, but not bad either. On those days, instead of caring a little less, which can be good for me, I don’t care at all. All my emotions seem muted or absent. Sometimes, I ‘slip’ a little, back into that old pit of sad. Sometimes, I feel without purpose or just aimless, and I have moments of sadness welling up in my chest throughout the day. Sometimes, before I know it, a bad day has become a bad week – time can really fly when you’re depressed.

However, since last year I’ve been hyper-aware of my feelings and as such, I’ve been better at spotting these kinds of days and clamping down on them ASAP. I’ve found that the best way to do that is to have all the important crap started and sorted earlier so I can take time out for myself. Then things are mostly OK.

Although sometimes, my wrists itch, and it’s frustrating.

Even now, I have times where I doubt my experiences. How serious are my symptoms now? I am constantly comparing my current mental state to that of last year and I think it might prove counteractive eventually. For example, I often think ‘this can’t be that bad of a day. I have had worse. I have survived worse.’ It sounds pretty good until I remember that I have never been able to justify my awful feelings and low mood days and I’m not about to start. In reality, it’s ‘this is not that bad of a day, but I feel like crap anyway.’

The third type of day is the worst kind. I’m having a good day, and I am happy, and I’m laughing a lot. That’s good. But beyond that feeling of happiness, there’s a pit somewhere and I am still stuck down it. Is it a crap ton of self-doubt? Is it the sense of impending doom? Is it the feeling of knowing that happiness is more temporary than sadness? I hate that I am this stubborn in my sadness.

I have slowly become more accustomed to talking about my depression to my friends, especially the few I love the most because I know they worry about me and appreciate that they do, even if I don’t want them to. Whilst it’s so easy to let a bad day pass and pretend to my friends that it never happened, these days I can just tell them it’s a bad day.

Not all the time, though. I actually tend to rotate and tell one person each time, so they’re not all worrying about me at once.


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On top of that… I’m twenty now. It feels like a happy little miracle. As I told someone one time, ‘my mental health got to a point where I genuinely did not think about being alive for this long. Like I wanted to get better but didn’t know what I wanted to live for.’

As a result of this, I didn’t keep any aspirations over the last few years beyond ‘I want to make it to the end of the day having smiled at least once’.

When I was 13 I had my heart set on writing. I still do, as it’s my Plan A (Plan Ambitious). That said, I wish I felt the urge to be writing regularly and this blog is the closest I am getting to my daily quota of creative writing. My Plan B (Plan Believable) is something more akin to teaching languages, working abroad or working in a field of psychology after I graduate. Perhaps even all three. My short term goals are to study well, save money, and successfully get a study placement in Korea. Heck, guys, I have GOALS. I have things I want to aim for! That’s pretty amazing!

I finally see that I have a life ahead of me. Isn’t that the most terrifying thing?

Thank you for reading this far.

Until next time,

X

#Playlist: Ghosts

Hi everyone!

I wasn’t sure whether to do this or not, but I’m worried that my content is suffering these days and I’m not putting out the quality I want. So I want to be sure I’m taking time to work on them properly and making sure I am including all the information I want to. I know I finally got some photos and all, but along with uni work I’m struggling to get my words up to the standard I want.

So you probably won’t see another post this week and might just see less posting from me for a while depending on how these next few weeks go. I have a few events lined up to fill the week before the term ends, so that’s also quite exciting. It’s wild that I’m over halfway through my first year at university.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling like my music needs a bit more shaking up again whilst I work on this assignment for university. Before you ask… Did I dive down into a pit of music recommendations from YouTube that I actually liked? Yes, the answer is yes.

It’s inspired this playlist of recent discoveries with a dash of songs I felt just fit right in here. It’s not too upbeat. As much as I love my pop music, I have a soft spot for music that’s kind of whimsical and dreamy but there are also some very specific things I like. Sort of deep and mildly depressing and perhaps a soundtrack for the non-existent aimless midnight wander.

Today’s playlist is a mix of English language and Korean language tracks.

Ashmute (Korean)Ghost, Scenery, Inferno – I really like the dreamy feel coming from this trio, and how they play around with the pace of their songs. My favourite of these is Ghost but Scenery has really grown on me. K-Indie tends to be kind of hit-and-miss for me as I focus on sound rather than lyrics and a lot of K-Indie can sound similar to me, but this is really nice.

Kailee MorgueGhost of Mine, Medusa – I initially got some Melanie Martinez vibes from Morgue’s vocals on Ghost of Mine. I really like this kind of music – the kind that’s just really strange and haunting but not too deep like Ruelle’s Madness – I like that sound too but not all the time.

Bipolar SunshineDaydreamer – Well… This playlist could do with some happy. I’m definitely up for listening to more Bipolar Sunshine now that I have discovered them, this is a jam.

DJ SnakeMiddle (ft. Bipolar Sunshine) – It’s funny, I do love the odd DJ Snake track I come across but I always forget to dive into their discography. This is the most upbeat track on the playlist.

MothicaOut of It – In doing a little bit of research on Mothica I saw the words ‘gloom pop’. At last, a word for the genre of music I like. I’ll go searching later for songs under this umbrella, haha.

Sojung of Ladies’ Code (Korean)Crystal Clear – Sojung has one of the most distinctive voices in the mainstream K-Pop scene and I really miss Ladies’ Code and love their newer songs so it is lovely to hear her singing again. I want to hear her in a long with Lee Hi one day. I think their voices would resonate well together.

Heize (Korean) – Jenga – There’s something odd about the end of the hook that I really like. What is it, dissonance? It was odd but now I really like it. I first watched Heize on Unpretty Rapstar 2 for a bit and really liked her as well as Kitti B and Yubin.

Heyne (Korean) – Insomnia (Unofficial, included to omit the snoring in the official MV)|Official MV – Heyne’s unusual voice is what stopped this from being too boring for me. That and perhaps the fact that she’s actually 26-ish and looks (and sounds) younger than me!

Tei ShiNevermind The End (unofficial)|Official MV, Say You Do (unofficial)| Official MV – I’ve been listening a lot to these two tracks recently. They’re just really nice to loop.

FazerdazeLucky Girl – I’m hoping this is a nice choice to tie off the playlist as well as leading back to the beginning when I feel like it.

I hope you’ve discovered something that you like today. I’ll get back to writing my uni assignment now!

Until next time,

X

[Chatter] Another lipstick I’ve fallen back in love with – Rimmel Lasting Finish Kate Matte 111 Kiss of Life

Hi everyone!
A few weeks ago, I attempted some photos in the sporadic Golden Hour lighting to showcase the items but the weather was not playing nice! One moment it was sunny and I managed one photo before it vanished again and I would tweet a complaint and it would be sunny and so on…
But just yesterday, the sun was out, and it was out for like, an hour (?????) and I got SO many photos taken and oh my gawd, it felt so good and productive and it’s really upped my mood. I was running around so fast with a mental checklist of blog posts that needed photos and as a result, I’m almost set until next month, thank goodness. I didn’t completely finish my checklist and accidentally missed a few important ones, but that’s okay! I can do those next time! PHEW – I was almost about to cut my schedule to once a week!
THANK YOU SPRING, MY NAMESAKE. THANK YOU.
I’ve also switched out of my winter coat for my lighter jacket, and when I stepped out to do the bins in my shorts, I didn’t freeze! This winter felt so bloody long and I’ve never been happier to feel it finally ending.

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Anyway, I am enjoying the idea of writing about a lipstick that fell by the wayside of my stash, so to speak. Last month I featured Clinique’s Pop Lip in Cherry Pop after wearing it for almost half the month. I already loved that lipstick but hadn’t really been wearing it often. On the other hand, with today’s featured lipstick, it’s a little different. I only began to fully appreciate it recently.

I actually first received this as a Christmas present from Tray, years ago. Then months later I ended up with two because Q bought me one as well! I think I ended up giving one away as I no longer have two in my stash. But at the time, this must have been a very ‘me’ kind of shade because I was experimenting in sixth form with a limited selection of bright colours.

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This lipstick will only set you back £4.99. It’s from Rimmel London’s Lasting Finish range, but more specifically from the Kate Moss Mattes, which all come in red tubes. This is the same range that spawned the infamous shade 107, popularised by… Zoella, I think it was. I do have that shade, too, but we may not see it in rotation for a little while longer.

As you may know, Rimmel’s Lasting Finish range is full of really nice lipsticks at a great price. This one’s really nicely pigmented although not thick or fully opaque as you can see from the swatch below, and it’s very smooth and soft on the lips. It wears quite decently by itself and doesn’t bleed too much or ‘crack’ after many hours, and it’s pleasant enough to reapply. It’s not too drying, either. The only big gripe I have about these lipsticks is the smell which isn’t exactly appealing but easy enough to get used to – it’s not strong. It also tends to taste as it smells, if that makes sense.

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My favourite way to apply this at the moment is to apply to the centre of the lips straight from the bullet, then use a lip brush to work the colour outwards and outline the lips, then go back in the centre from the bullet again.

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The reason I wasn’t as into this shade before was that it always seemed a little orangey to me when I believed that orange tones didn’t suit me. It is definitely a true red without a noticeable blue tone. It contrasts a bit more with my cooler purple hair at this point in time but overall gives a confident, summery look.

I thought for a moment of changing my planned April rotation so that they were ALL bright shades instead of waiting until May to start doing it. However, I do have some nice spring pinks that I want to use as well, so I changed my mind again. The temptation to break out of rotation these days is very strong! Especially when there is a shade I never reach for or one that I tend to reach for too much. But that’s the whole point of this challenge – to figure out what I truly love and what should be tossed without fail.

Anyway. I’m not sure how scheduled posting will be for the time being because I have an assignment to be finishing for next week, but at least I have some photos to work with when I need a break from reading academic journals.

Until next time,

X


Days since I last bought lipstick: 80